Posted: February
20, 2012 My newest bumper sticker for sale.
Posted: February
14, 2012 Geezer Planet's Stud
Muffin of The Month. And he's single ladies.
Posted: February
14, 2012
Posted: February
11, 2012
Posted: February
9, 2012
2 Action Hereos Out of Action
Posted: February
3, 2012
I am
really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in
Michigan... I just got off the phone with my father who is up north
right now at his little cottage. He said that the snow is nearly
waist high. The temperature is at minus 10 degrees and the snow is
still dropping... The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even
the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down
too. The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio
stations urging people to stay off the highway. He said my mom has
done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just
staring. He says he's concerned that if it gets much worse, he may
have to let her in.
Posted: February 2, 2012
I'd like to welcome Mark from Australia. He's the newest member of the
Gray Knights MC.
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his
leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is
nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you
don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am
wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man
replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
Two old lawyers had been
stranded on a desert island 30 years. The only thing on the island
was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day
one of the old lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could
spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the
tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there
floating in our direction." The old lawyer on the ground was most
skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your
mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a
stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious,
without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two
old lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and
discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the
other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for years
now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... So ... Do
you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?" "Out of
WHAT?!?" asked the other old lawyer.
Grandpa! You gotta stop doing that to young girls.
An old man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Good. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Old Geezer Slippers. The perfect holiday gift.
Gangsta Grannies
An
old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t
be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too
old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot
for me. Love, Dad."
A few
days later he received a letter from his son…
"Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the
bodies. Love, Vinnie."
At
4:00 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized
to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another
letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I
could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie."
Finding Jesus
An old Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he bloody fell in?"
This is also available as a bumper sticker in my geezershop.
The Three Samurai There once was a powerful old Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The old emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumble bee dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" The old emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead at the Emperor's feet, neatly chopped into four small pieces. The old emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the old emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
An
old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old
man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed
one seat.” The old man groaned but didn’t budge. The
usher became more impatient. “Sir, if
you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back
up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together
the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but
with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All
right buddy what’s your name?” “Fred,”
the old man moaned. “Where ya from,
Fred?” asked the police officer. With terrible pain
in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
“The balcony…”
An
elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked
where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on
my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on
the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The
officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time
of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
spacerAn
old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He
asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to
impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and
said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
spacer Posted
Saturday, August 20, 2011
OMG! Can this old geezer rock or what? The next
YouTube sensation.
spacer
Posted Thursday, June
23, 2011
Soup To Nutz comic strip.
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Tuesday,
2/14/12
My wife caught me switching the TV between a fishing show and a good porn
movie this morning. She came over to me and said "Honey, you might as well just
watch that old porn movie. You already know how to fish." Sunday,
9/25/11
I can't believe all those years of
phone sex have finally caught up with me. I now have hearing AIDS.
Saturday,
8/20/11
On the way to a funeral home for a
viewing of a friend, I reminded my granddaughter Allison to be very quiet and
respectful. And she was - right up to the end, when she asked, "Grandpa, who's
the man in the treasure chest?"
Went to one of them Starbucks places and ordered a decaf cappuccino. The guy
told me we only sell regular cappuccino. I said "Okay, I'll have one of those.
Just give me your phone number so I have somebody to talk to when I can't sleep
tonight."
Monday,
5/22/11
I hate
all this terrorist business and "If
you see something, say something." What happened to the good old days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself... I’m
going to take that.
I was watching my wife putting some
fancy expensive cold cream on her face last night. "Why do you put that stuff on
your face anyway?" I asked. "To make myself beautiful." she said removing the
cream with a tissue. "What's the matter... giving up?" I said. I'm in the dog
house again.
Tuesday, 5/17/11
Me and the Mrs. had a big argument this morning. She wanted a cat. I wanted a
dog. So we compromised and got a cat.
Thursday, 4/13/11
Who is your real friend? This really works...! If you don't believe it, just try
this experiment. Put your dog and your old lady in the trunk of your car for
about an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Monday, 3/01/11
"I just got back from a once in a lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what - never
again."
I was listening to the
radio when I hear the weather report" A snow emergency has been declared. You
must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." So I got up,
dressed and moved my car to the right side. Two days later - the same thing. "A
snow emergency has been declared - please park your cars on the even-numbered
side of the street." Again I had to get all bundled up, go outside in the
cold and find another spot. A week later they announce that a foot of snow is
coming. "This is bull shit!" I said. I'm just gonna leave my car in the garage
this time.
Friday, 02/04/11
I did my annual inventory check this morning. I stood naked in front of the
mirror and asked myself: Is it still where it's supposed to be? Does it still
look like what it's supposed to look like? and does it still work? Try it.
Sunday, 12/05/10
Now that I'm retired, I never really know what day of the week it is
anymore. All I know is, the day the big newspaper comes, I have to dress up and
go to church.
Saturday, 11/20/10
I can't say anything to my wife without her thinking it's a criticism of her
weight. She hasn't spoken to me in two days because I asked her to "Lighten Up."
Wednesday, 11/17/10 I’m
getting older now and can’t tolerate the cold like I used to, so last year my
wife and I replaced all the windows in my house with those fancy expensive
double-panel energy efficient kind. Gotta nice tax break also. Anyway, today I
got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. So, I
told him just what his fast talking sales guy Harold had told me last year when
he installed them, and I quote, “In ONE YEAR
these windows will pay for themselves!” It's been a year now I told
him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up. Don’t mess with us seniors.
Monday, 10/25/10
Even at 102, my Grandmother is confident she will live a long life. Recently, I
bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing machine. She asked me, "Where
is the warranty?" I replied, "What do you care Grandma... It has a 25-year
warranty!" My Grandma replied, "How do I know the company will be in business
that long?"
Saturday, 9/25/10
Lately my wife and I fight constantly. I've been so upset and depressed, I've
lost 20 pounds. My friend said to me "Arthur, if it's that bad, why don't you
leave her?" I told him "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."
Thursday, 9/16/10
I'm sitting at the breakfast table this morning when my wife says to me "I
finally realized something... for years I've been saying, I'm not a morning
person. Then I realized it has nothing to do with morning. It's you!"
