Posted Monday,
February 8, 2010. How the dinosaurs really became extinct.
Posted
Sunday,
February 7, 2010. A millionaire, a hard hat, and
an old drunk are at a bar. When
they get their beers, they
notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely
asks the bartender for
another beer, then proceeds
to sip it. The hard hat
spills out just enough to
get rid of the fly and
quaffs the rest. It's now
the old drunk's turn. He
sticks his hand into the
beer, grabs the fly by the
wings, and shouts, "Spit it
out! Spit it out!"
Posted
Saturday,
February 6, 2010.
Posted
Friday,
February 5, 2010. A group of 40-year-old buddies
discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the
waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is
smoke-free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets
again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais
Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they
even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the
group meets again and once again they discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've
never been there before.
Posted
Thursday,
February 4, 2010.
Posted
Wednesday, February 3, 2010.
Posted
January 27, 2010. SENIOR WISDOM.
Posted
January 24, 2010. WTF!
Posted
January 24, 2010.
old age quotes
senior citizen humor
"Senior Citizen Humor" is brought to you by
caregivers, companions, home health
aides for elderly in new york
guess you noticed I'm bald - well, balding. I like to say "balding" because
it sounds more productive. I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that
makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened.
"Where's your hair?" I lost it. You know me... Where are my keys?"
■
Technically speaking
I'm follicly challenged, but I just
like to tell everyone
I'm not losing my hair, I'm getting more head.
Monday, 2/08/10
I was at the my favorite restaurant last night. I asked the waitress...
"About this salmon entree... is it a steak or fillet?" She said "Neither, it's a
fish." Smartass.
■
I used some of my 41 cent Forever Stamps last week to pay some
bills and got hit with some late charges. Seems it takes Forever to get there.
■
One final note. One of my neighbors died last week. He was not well loved I
might mention and I was amazed to see how many people showed up at his funeral.
As P.T. Barnum said, "Give the people what they want and they'll come."
Saturd
ay, 2/05/10
I was at Kennedy airport
the other day waiting for my grandkids when I noticed a shop selling luggage.
"Who the hell forgets their suitcase?
■ I was just thinking back to my first job
at Bohack's Supermarket (New York only) as a stock boy. They told me I would get
two weeks paid vacation. I couldn't wait to find out where they were going to
send me. I wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.
■ People always ask me what the
secret to a happy marriage is. I always say "Never go to sleep angry." That's my
philosophy... and the longest I've been been awake so far is five days.
Have a nice weekend folks.
Friday, 2/04/10
Someone stole my wallet last week and started
using my Amex card, but I didn't report it to the credit card company. Guess
what? turns out the thief spends less money than my wife does. It's a win win
situation for me.
■ Speaking of my wife, we always hold hands when we're together.
If I happen to let go, she goes shopping. Editor's note: Only pissed twice last
night.
Thursday, 2/03/10
I went to see my doctor today because I had an earache. He asked me "What ear?"
I said "2010 why?"
■
Dear Lord, Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
Wednesday, 2/03/10
Someone from the cemetery called me today to verify information about my
preplanned funeral and burial arrangements. After writing everything down, the
gal at the cemetery assured me that's all she needed and said "You're good to go
Mr. Ritis."
■
I
was riding the escalator in Macy's this morning and clumsy me tripped and
fell. You know I fell down those darn stairs for almost an hour and a half.
Tuesday, 2/02/10
I applied for my first passport today. I was told I would need a birth
certificate, but my birth had never been officially registered. When I explained
my dilemma to the passport agent he said, "It's all right Mr. Ritis, just bring
a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you. Smartass agent!
■
I
haven't been feeling too good lately so I went to see Dr. Weiser. After
examining me he said, "Arthur... which do you want first, the good news or the
bad news?" I said, "Give me the good news first doc" He said, "You're about to
have a disease named after you."
Monday, 2/01/10
I don't see what all the fuss is about same sex marriages? I've been married to
my wife for 50 years and we always have the same sex. I love you honey. I call
her honey all the time because honestly, I forgot her name about 6 years ago.
Saturday, 1/30/10
Here are some of my observations on growing older: When people say you look
"great" they always add "for your age!" I now sleep better in my lounge chair
with the TV blaring than I do in bed. I seem to be using more four letter words
these days... "what?" "when?and I noticed everybody is always whispering to me.
But old is good... old songs, old movies and old friends. Have a good weekend?
Friday, 1/29/10
Yesterday was by 89th birthday. My beautiful and thoughtful wife
surprised me with an SUV. No, it wasn't a Cadillac Escalade... it was Socks,
Underwear and Viagra.
■
Last night I tried the Viagra. I don't need it for sex, I
just want Mr. Happy to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
■
Here's a
Viagra joke I heard while we're on the subject... One morning, two 80-year-old
men sat talking about the weather and the latest in medical science and such,
when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly
man isn't familiar with Viagra and asks the first man what is it for. The first
man says, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes
you feel like a man of thirty." The second man then asks, "Can you get it over
the counter? You probably could, if you took two pills," replies the first man.
A group of 40-year-old buddies
discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the
waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is
smoke-free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets
again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais
Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they
even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the
group meets again and once again they discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've
never been there before.
