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Tuesday,
3/9/10
I got separated from my wife at the mall today so I approached a very beautiful
young gal and said, "I've lost my wife here in the mall... can you talk to me
for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled and said, "Why do you want to
talk to me?" "Because every time I talk to a
beautiful young woman like you, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
Monday,
3/8/10
My grandson came over to me today and asked me, "Grandpa, why don't chicken
breasts have nipples?" I scratched my head and thought, "Well honestly son...
beats the shit out of me!" Can anyone help me out there. I'm clueless. While
we're on the subject of chicken anatomy, exactly what part of the chicken do the
nuggets come from? Hope it isn't what I think 'cause I really enjoy those little
things.
Friday,
3/5/10
I learned today that there is a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage. My wife and I were lying in bed
last night. I was feeling a little frisky so I ran my hands slowly across her
body. I whispered to her, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back to me, "I'll miss you." Have a nice weekend.
Thursday,
3/4/10
Have you seen the Prune Juice sitcom comic strip yet?
Coincidentally, its lead character is
named Arthur. He's sly... grouchy... cynical, and these are his
good points. Actually
there is a loving side to Arthur... loving golf, loving fishing, and loving a
good cigar!
Visit Prune Juice Comics.
Tuesday,
3/2/10
Some thoughts for today - When I was younger I used to go "Skinny Dipping," now
I just take what I call a "Chunky Dunk." When I signed up for exercise class
last week I was told to wear loose fitting clothing. I told them that if I had
any loose fitting clothes I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. And my
final thought for today... Brain cells come and go, but fat cells seem to live
forever.
Monday,
3/1/10
I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well.. I'm
fortunate enough to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the
things I really enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and manhattans into
urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
Friday,
2/26/10
Sorry, I forgot to go to work yesterday. Some
people try to turn back their body's odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long long way and some of those roads
weren't always paved. If anyone tell you you look old... squash their toes with
your rocker! ■ My grandson told me today that I was so bald it
looks like my neck is blowing a bubble. Have a nice weekend foks.
Wednesday, 2/24/10
I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive
by and shoot people. At least back in the old days, like in West Side Story, the
gangs used to dance with each other first.
Tuesday, 2/23/10
I just received a jury-duty notice in the mail this
morning so I called the clerk's office and told them that because I was 80 years
old I was exempt. The guy that answered the call said... "Well, you have to come
in and fill out an Exemption Form anyway." "I've already done that last year," I
said to him. "Well, you have to do it every year" he shot back. "Why... do you
think I am getting younger?" I told him.
Saturday, 2/20/10
Last week I bought my wife a nice mood ring for her birthday. When she's in a
good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my
forehead. ■
I've learned the most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday... is to forget it once. Have a nice weekend.
Thursday, 2/18/10
I finally went to the gym today. After I changed into my clothes, I went to the
exercise area. Along one wall I noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and
decided to try my hand at chin-ups. I managed to strain through two chin-ups
before the instructor came over to me. Smiling politely, he said, "Mr. Ritis, if you want to let go of the coat
rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
That
wouldn't have happened if it were winter time.
Wednesday, 2/17/10
Almost got in big trouble yesterday. My wife went through my checkbook and saw
my entry for "$100 for hookers." She said "Have you been buying more fishing
equipment again?" ■ I joined a health club last
month. I spent about 400 bucks. Ya know something, I haven't lost a pound... Apparently you have to go there
to.
Monday, 2/15/10
My wife can never balance her checkbook, so I made a deal with her; I would look at it, but only
after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The
following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, she
said to me proudly, "Arthur... I've done it! I made it balance!" I was impressed, I came
over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50,
phone 35.00." My brow wrinkled as I read the last entry. "It says here
ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" I said to her "Oh," she said, "That means, Error
Some Place!" Gotta love 'em.
Saturday, 2/13/10
I forgot to mention that I went to doc Weiser for my annual physical last week.
While listening to my
heart with his stethoscope, he muttered
to me, "Uh, oh!" "What is it doctor," I said. "Well, did you know
you have a
serious heart murmur. Do you
smoke?" he asked. "Nope, never have,"
I said. "Do you drink excessively?" "Nope, never touch the
stuff," I told him. "What
about sex? Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" I said nervously. "Well,"
he said, "I'm
afraid that with this heart
murmur, you're going to have to
give up half of your sex life." "Which half would that be,
doctor ... the thinking or the
looking?" ■ Have a
great weekend everyone.
Friday, 2/12/10
TGIF. "When did we get old?" I said to my wife last night. "It seems like just
yesterday we used to dance all night, now I get tired playing scrabble. I used
to be pretty hip, now I have a bum hip. I used to have a great memory, now I
can't remember what I had for dinner last night... What did we have for dinner
last night honey?" She said, "When were you ever HIP? ■ I read in the
paper that men who make love twice a week live 12 years longer than men who are
celibate. I told my wife "You're trying to kill me aren't you?"
Thursday, 2/11/10
I went to the doctor today because I wasn't feeling well. After old Doc
Weiser examined me he wrote me three prescriptions. He said, "Arthur, I
want you to take one of the blue pills with a large glass of water when
you wake up in the morning. After lunch, take one of the red
pills with a large glass of water. Then, just before
going to bed, take one of the green pills with a large glass of
water." "Holy shit doc, that sure is a lot of medication,"
I said... "What the hell is wrong with me?" "You aren't drinking enough water
Arthur!" He's great isn't he?
Wednesday, 2/10/10
I've been really constipated the last few days. My wife asked me if I
have done anything about it. I said "Yeah, I sit in the bathroom for about half
an hour every night trying to take go." She said, "No, I mean are you taking
anything?" I said "Of course, I bring the AARP magazine with me." ■ There's actually a movie called "Constipation"
but it hasn't come out yet. Groan.
■ If you enjoy my column, please
pass it on to a friend.
Tuesday, 2/09/10
I
guess you noticed I'm bald - well, balding. I like to say "balding" because
it sounds more productive. I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that
makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened.
"Where's your hair?" I lost it. You know me... Where are my keys?"
■
Technically speaking
I'm “follicly challenged,” but I just
like to tell everyone
I'm not losing my hair, I'm getting more head.
Monday, 2/08/10
I was at the my favorite restaurant last night. I asked the waitress...
"About this salmon entree... is it a steak or fillet?" She said "Neither, it's a
fish." Smartass. I used some of my 41 cent Forever Stamps last week to pay some
bills and got hit with some late charges. Seems it takes Forever to get there.
One final note. One of my neighbors died last week. He was not well loved I
might mention and I was amazed to see how many people showed up at his funeral.
As P.T. Barnum said, "Give the people what they want and they'll come."
Saturday, 2/05/10
I was at Kennedy airport the other day waiting
for my grandkids when I noticed a shop selling luggage. "Who the hell forgets
their suitcase? I was just thinking back to my first job at Bohack's Supermarket
as a stock boy. They told me I would get two weeks paid vacation. I couldn't
wait to find out where they were going to send me. I wasn't the brightest crayon
in the box. People always ask me what the secret to a happy marriage is. I
always say "Never go to sleep angry." That's my philosophy... and the longest
I've been been awake so far is five days. Have a nice weekend folks.
Friday, 2/04/10:
Someone stole my wallet last week and started
using my Amex card, but I didn't report it to the credit card company. Guess
what? turns out the thief spends less money than my wife does. It's a win win
situation for me. Speaking of my wife, we always hold hands when we're together.
If I happen to let go, she goes shopping. Editor's note: Only pissed twice last
night.
Thursday, 2/03/10:
I went to see my doctor today because I had an earache. He asked me "What ear?"
I said "2010 why?" Dear Lord,
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
Wednesday, 2/03/10:
Someone from the cemetery called me today to verify information about my
preplanned funeral and burial arrangements. After writing everything down, the
gal at the cemetery assured me that's all she needed and said "You're good to go
Mr. Ritis." I was riding the escalator in Macy's this morning and clumsy me
tripped. You know I fell down those darn stairs for almost an hour and a half.
Tuesday, 2/02/10:
I applied for my first passport today. I was told I would need a birth
certificate, but my birth had never been officially registered. When I explained
my dilemma to the passport agent he said, "It's all right Mr. Ritis, just bring
a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you. I haven't been feeling
too good lately so I went to see Dr. Weiser. After examining me he said,
"Arthur... which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" I said,
"Give me the good news first doc" He said, "You're about to have a disease named
after you."
Monday, 2/01/10:
I don't see what all the fuss is about same sex marriages? I've been married to
my wife for 50 years and we always have the same sex. I love you honey. I call
her honey all the time because honestly, I forgot her name about 6 years ago.
Saturday, 1/30/10:
Here are some of my observations on growing older: When people say you look
"great" they always add "for your age!" I now sleep better in my lounge chair
with the TV blaring than I do in bed. I seem to be using more four letter words
these days... "what?" "when? and I noticed everybody is always whispering to me.
But old is good... old songs, old movies and old friends. Have a good weekend?
Friday, 1/29/10:
Yesterday was by 89th birthday. My beautiful and thoughtful wife
surprised me with an SUV. No, it wasn't a Cadillac Escalade... it was Socks,
Underwear and Viagra. Last night I tried the Viagra. I don't need it for sex, I
just want Mr. Happy to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes. Here's a
Viagra joke I heard while we're on the subject... One morning, two 80-year-old
men sat talking about the weather and the latest in medical science and such,
when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly
man isn't familiar with Viagra and asks the first man what is it for. The first
man says, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes
you feel like a man of thirty." The second man then asks, "Can you get it over
the counter? You probably could, if you took two pills," replies the first man.
Thursday, 1/28/10:
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I'm sitting here right now thinking how nice
it is that wrinkles don't hurt. And when I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It
makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the freakin' time run to the end of his
chain and gag himself. I hate that dog. I got into another argument with my wife
tonight. She asked me if I wanted dinner? I said "Sure, what are my choices?"
She said "Yes or No!"
Wednesday, 1/27/10:
This morning my wife asked me "What do you like most in me... my pretty face or
my sexy body?" I looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense
of humor honey."
I was going through some important papers later in the afternoon and I came
across our marriage certificate. My wife caught me and said "What are you
doing?" I said "Nothing." "Nothing?" You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour now." I said "I was looking for the expiration date."
The swelling in my right eye is starting to come down a little this evening.
Tuesday, 1/26/10:
I was at the doctor's office yesterday and he said to me "You are in great shape
for your age Arthur, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute
doc, I'll have to ask my wife," I went out to the reception room and said:
"Honey do we still have Intercourse?" she said "If I told you once, I told you a
thousand times... We have
Blue Cross! I love my wife. What's the secret to our
long marriage?
Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
Every now and then we also have a "Getaway Weekend." She'll be back first thing
Monday morning.
Monday, 1/25/10:
I love my grandson Mikey but the little tike can act
up every now and then. I found the best way to discipline him is to just take
the child for a little car ride in the country and talk. That usually calms him
down and he usually stops misbehaving after that.
Picture attached.
Sunday, 1/24/10:
I was sitting on my porch this morning and a motorist pulled up in front of
my house for directions and asked me, "How do you get into town old man?" I said
"Usually my son takes me." He muttered something than drove off. Hope he's still
drivin' around.
I have this crazy theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. I may be
wrong, but do I dare take a chance? lol.
Saturday, 1/23/10:
I love to walk. I have to walk early in
the morning though, before my brain figures out what the hell I'm doing.
I really try to
exercise every day so when I die, people
will say, "Well, he looks pretty good doesn't he."
Friday, 1/22/10:
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about
her looks.
At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Betty, you haven't changed in 20
years." "Oh," said my Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20
years ago." Miss you mom.
Wednesday, 1/20/10:
I was in my favorite restaurant
yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass some gas... The
music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music...
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and
noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I
was listening to that damn iPod my son gave me. Senior Moment.
Wednesday, 1/13/10:
Sorry to report that me and the Mrs. had
heated words last night. I didn't get a chance to use mine. lol.
It was my fault though. She asked me "What's on the TV?" and
I said "Dust!"
I was fishing with my
friend Bob the other day and he says to me, "I think I'm going to divorce my
wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over two months now." I kept sipping my beer
then told him "You'd really better think it over, Bob. A good women like that is
hard to find."
Tuesday, 1/12/10:
MapQuest really needs to start their
directions on #5. I may be old, but I'm pretty sure I know how the hell to get out of my
neighborhood.
Monday, 1/11/10:
Now that I am older, my cardiologist, Dr. Weiser, advised me to watch my diet.
Now I avoid eating healthy natural foods because I read somewhere that most people die of
natural causes. I'll have a double Whopper now please!
Friday, 1/08/10:
Do you remember when you were a kid,
playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it
and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how
did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
Wednesday, 1/06/10:
I like reading the obit pages. Wouldn't
obituaries be a lot more interesting though if they told you how the person
died?.
Tuesday, 1/05/10:
Was watching the telly today and Dr. Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished, and last night I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle
of Kahlua, a package of Oreos and the remainder of my old Prozac prescription.
You have no idea how FREAKING GOOD I feel today.
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