Added: May 4, 2008
Dear
Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better! In fact,
about
a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the
neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with the
old geezer's blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my
bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and my attorney called and said that I was
no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband.
What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having a great
product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the
Hefty bag people.
Honey
that was wonderful!
After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in
bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in
ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers
started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her
back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand
down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then
proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner
thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued
in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over
and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you
stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.
The Old
Farmer
A Department
of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He
told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.' The Highways
employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go
where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm
land.' So the old farmer went about his chores. Later, he heard loud
screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the
fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at
every step. The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card, smartass!!'
The Nudist Colony
A man
joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day
there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man
immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for
me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says,
"You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection it implies you called for
me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
happily lets him have his way with her. The man
continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes
a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No;
what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new,"
says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily
spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony
office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked
receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir,"
she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The
man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get
an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm
outta here.
GOOD EYESIGHT
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked
standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a
long, hard look at herself. "You know Jeff," she
comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient
creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much
that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as
flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a
sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has
just gone to hell in a hand basket!" She turns to face
her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about
myself." Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and
then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight honey." You can
see more of Torrie at her website:
www.torrie.com.
FRUIT FLIES
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the
doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you
had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin."
she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to
get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he
said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you
don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies." "Fruit
flies?" asks granny. "Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."
The Old Miser
There
was an old man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise
him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of
the money into the casket with him. Well, he eventually died. He was
stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box
with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen,
I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I
promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with
him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?
I surely
did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it,
he can spend it."
Be Careful What You Wish For - A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story... be careful what you wish for.
The Flasher Three little old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
SOME GRANDKID HUMOR -
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said
another, "he's just for good luck." A third child
brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would
point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it
was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed
for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside
to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a
few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your
underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four to six."
The Waiting Room This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Alzheimer's or AIDS? "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Senior Problem - Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
The Sex Therapist -
A couple, both 67, went to a sex
therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man
said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked
puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to
disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined
them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This
happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor
which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor,
and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the
doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old
man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and
we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32
and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
No Refills - A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
The Living Will - Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's Such A Bitch.....
You're Putting Me On - An elderly gentleman went to a ranch and asked for the rates. "Well," began the ranch director, "For people your age we charge an extra $50 a day." "50 dollars a day!" yelped the old timer, "You must be putting me on!" "No," said the director, "that would be an additional 20 dollars."
Texas Three Kick Rule - A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
Bad Day - A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!
Don't try this at home - This is a story about an elderly couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband awoke with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife." Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Too old to squat! Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"
Good Old Days A nurse at the beginning of her shift examines an elderly and slightly deaf lady. She places her stetoscope on the patient's chest wall and instructs "Big breaths" The old lady remorses,"Yes, they used to be!"
Quick! Get me a woman! A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!" The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."
Pledge of Allegiance Before she died, an elderly woman from the United States wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport. "You must first take the loyalty oath," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?" The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but . . . will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"
Will you marry me? There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Really Bad News "Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked grandpa Sam when his doctor called with his test results. "I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the doctor. "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my God," gasped Sam as he dropped to his knees. "What could be worse news than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."
39 and Holding Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "How old would you be if you let go?"