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- Jokes Page 5 -
The Most Recent
Senior Citizen Jokes:
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The Smart Pig?
A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the
farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales
pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me sir, but why does your
pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman. “Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I
was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I
was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and
rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the
house. Saved my life that pig did.” “Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the
salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.” “Well I’ll tell
ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a
fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our
bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our
lives that pig did!” “Well that’s really great but why does the pig only have
one leg?” “Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him
all at once.
What's For Sale?Two
young businessmen in Florida were
sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping
mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display
racks set up. One said to the
other, "I'll bet that any minute now
some senior is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're
selling." Sure enough, just a moment
later, a curious senior gentleman walked
up to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then
in a loud voice asked, "What are you
sellin' here?" One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling
ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the
old timer said, "You're doing well, only
two left."
Bartender, There's a Fly In My
Beer:
A millionaire, a hard hat, and
an old drunk are at a bar. When
they get their beers, they
notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely
asks the bartender for
another beer, then proceeds
to sip it. The hard hat
spills out just enough to
get rid of the fly and
quaffs the rest. It's now
the old drunk's turn. He
sticks his hand into the
beer, grabs the fly by the
wings, and shouts, "Spit it
out! Spit it out!"
The Beaujolais Bistro :A group of 40-year-old buddies
discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the
waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is
smoke-free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets
again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais
Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they
even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the
group meets again and once again they discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've
never been there before.
Jim Is Recovering Nicely:
Jim left for work one Friday
afternoon. But it was
payday, so instead of going
home, he stayed out the
entire weekend partying and
playing golf with
the boys and spending his
entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at
home on Sunday night, the
old geezer was confronted by
his angry wife and was
barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade
befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and said to him,
“How would you like it if
you didn’t see me for two or
three days?” He replied,
“That would be fine with
me.”
Monday went by and he
didn’t see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday came and went
with the same results. But
on Thursday, the swelling
went down just enough where
he could see her a little
out of the corner of his
left eye.
Mahatma Gandhi:
Mahatma Gamdhi as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
The Old Rancher:
A big-city lawyer was
representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the
section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was
scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the
back room of the general store. The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get
him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and
took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a
little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I
hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep
and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went
through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness
to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."
The Freudian Slip: Two old geezers, Bill
and Bob were shooting the breeze. Bill sez, "You ever made a
Freudian slip?" Bob sez, "What's that?" Bill: "Well, I'll give
you an example. The other day I was at the airport, and the
woman at the airline counter was quite well endowed. I meant to
say, 'I'd like two tickets for Pittsburgh. But it came out, 'I'd
like two pickets for Tittsburgh.'"
Bob: "Ahh, gotcha Bill. That happened to me this morning. My
wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say, 'Dear,
could you please pass the marmalade.' But it came out, 'You old
hag, you're ruining my life.'"
The Christmas Invitation:
Mick had been in Police work for 35
years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing
there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come at about 5:00….’ ‘Great’, says Mick,
‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some
drinking’…’
‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of ‘em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’
likely gonna be some fighting’ too..’
‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be
there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the
idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely
be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
The Senior Special:
We went to
breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors'
special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast
for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the
eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and
forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la
carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took
the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Age Is A Funny Thing:
Have you ever been guilty of looking at
others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that
old?" Well, You'll love this one! I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I
noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way
back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any
such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply
lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm
... Or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if
he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you
graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely. Then, that ugly, old wrinkled SOB asked, "What did
you teach?"
No Sunday Newspaper:
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The little old lady calling
the newspaper office,
loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper
employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause
on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of
recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... that's why no
one was at church today."
Haven't been home yet :
An
elderly man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and
stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem
for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician. "They have
this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick. You take some
pills and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the
man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of
months later the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, doctor," exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you. This drug is a miracle. It's wonderful." "Well, I'm glad to
hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife
think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home
yet."
Alcohol is bad for your legs :
A man goes into a cocktail
lounge and approaches little old Maxine sitting by herself... "May
I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you sir,
alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do
they swell?" Maxine: "No, they spread."
Baby's First Exam:
A woman and a baby
were in the doctor's
examining room,
waiting for the
doctor to come in
for the baby's first
exam. The
doctor arrived,
and
examined
the
baby,
checked
his
weight,
and
being
a
little
concerned,
asked
if
the
baby
was
breast-fed
or
bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,'
she
replied.
'Well,
strip
down
to
your
waist,'
the
doctor
ordered.
She
did.
He
pinched
her
nipples,
pressed,
kneaded,
and
rubbed
both
breasts
for
a
while
in a
very
professional
and
detailed
examination.
Motioning
to
her
to
get
dressed,
the
doctor
said, 'No
wonder
this
baby
is
underweight.
You
don't
have
any
milk.'
I
know,'
she
said,
'I'm
his
Grandma,
But
I'm
glad
I
came!"
Bad News:
A doctor says to his patient, "I have
bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the elderly
patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the old man.
"How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you
since yesterday."
Forgiveness:
When I was a kid I used to
pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't
work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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Perfect Eyesight:
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf
every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see
where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they
sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it
one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred
and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the
wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day, Arthur heads off
to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an
almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the
brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replies the
brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” asks
Arthur. “I don’t remember.”
Pussy Willow:
Old man sitting on
his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbors'
kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, 'Hey
boy, whatcha got there?' The boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire.' The
old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?' The boy says, 'Catch some
chickens.' The old man yells, 'You dang fool, you can't catch chickens
with chicken wire!' The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening
at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in
it. At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the
sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand. The old man yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy
yells back, 'Roll of duck tape.' The old man says, 'What you gonna do
with that?' The boy says back, 'Catch me some ducks.' The old man yells
back, 'You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The boy
just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks
by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him
the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it At the
same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man
says, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy says, 'It's a pussy willow.'
The old man says, 'Hold on, I'll get my hat.'
Movie Theater Pervert:
An old farmer went to town to see a
movie. The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?' The
old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck
goes.' 'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals
in the theater.' The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the
bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket,
and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named
Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and
watch the movie. 'Marge,' whispered Mildred. 'What?' said Marge. 'I
think the guy next to me is a pervert.' 'What makes you think so?' asked
Marge. 'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred.
'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em
all'. 'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my
popcorn.'
Mr Bush Is No Longer President:
One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House
from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park
bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine looked at the
man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer
resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following
day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same
Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine
again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again,
just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House
and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in
and meet with President Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at
this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a
row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you
already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides
here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said,
"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to
attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
Walk On Water:
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family
tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their
first legal drink. So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal
Jim Bob took aboat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the
boat... and nearly drowned! Jim Bobjust barely managed to pull him to
safety. Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him? 'Granny looked deeply into
Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and
your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and
you were born in July, you frickin' idiot.'
Free Oranges:
A young teenaged girl was a
prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of
prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed
to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be
walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was
frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some
people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for
some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was
bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied,
"Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em
dry!"
Rape charges:
Bill
and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One
day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so
he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed,
and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam
approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very
excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying
out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
I Hate Weddings:
I hate them because the old people always poke you and
say "Your next!." So I started doing the same thing to them... at funerals.
The Talking Frog: An
86 year old fisherman
was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He
thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.' He looked in the water
and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are
you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
seen.
I'll make
sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have
me as your bride.' The old
fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it
up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What are you nuts? Didn't you hear
what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather
have a talking frog.'
Ask Jeeves: My
50-something friend Nancy and I
decided to introduce her mother to
the magic of the Internet. Our first
move was to access the popular Ask
Jeeves site, and we told her it
could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical
until Nancy said. "It's true,
Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with my fingers poised over
the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought
for a minute, then responded, "How
is Aunt Helen feeling this morning?"
The Virgin:
There was this really old guy at a
dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the
grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he
approached an old grandma and said,"Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a
woman. How about coming back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you
oblige! "I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his
place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old
guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for
such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful
performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you
were a virgin, I would have given you $50". Surprised, she replied, "If
I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have
taken off my pantyhose!"
Elderly
Customer:
An elderly man goes into a brothel
and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised,
she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old,"
he says. "Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
Riddle:
What has a hundred balls and screws
old ladies? Bingo!
Raising the dead:
Grandma and Grandpa
were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who
wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and
the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up
and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great
pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the
set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I
guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead."
 The Bran
Muffins: The couple
were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were
far from rich they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young they were both in very good health largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One
day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and
their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly
gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful
mansion furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen
and waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their
favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said
"Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter
how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing, remember, this is
your reward in Heaven". The old man looked out the window and right
there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than
any ever built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old
man. "This is heaven, St. Peter replied. You can play for free every
day." Next they went to the Club House and saw the lavish buffet lunch
laid out before them, from seafood to steak to exotic deserts, and free
flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This all
free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously
at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods and
decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part" St. Peter replied.
"You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never
get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed "No gym to work out
at?" "Not unless you want to" was the answer. "No testing my sugar or
blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself".
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins. We
could have been here ten years ago."
 Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better! In fact,
about
a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the
neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with the
old geezer's blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my
bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and my attorney called and said that I was
no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband.
What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having a great
product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the
Hefty bag people.
 Honey
that was wonderful!
After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in
bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in
ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers
started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her
back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand
down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then
proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner
thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued
in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over
and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you
stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.
 The Old
Farmer: A Department
of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He
told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.' The Highways
employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go
where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm
land.' So the old farmer went about his chores. Later, he heard loud
screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the
fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at
every step. The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card, smartass!!'
 The Nudist Colony:
A man
joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day
there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man
immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for
me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says,
"You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection it implies you called for
me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
happily lets him have his way with her. The man
continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes
a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No;
what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new,"
says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily
spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony
office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked
receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir,"
she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The
man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get
an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm
outta here.
 Good
Eyesight:
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked
standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a
long, hard look at herself. "You know Jeff," she
comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient
creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much
that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as
flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a
sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has
just gone to hell in a hand basket!" She turns to face
her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about
myself." Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and
then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight honey." You can
see more of Torrie at her website:
www.torrie.com.
Fruit Flies:
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the
doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you
had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin."
she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to
get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he
said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you
don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies." "Fruit
flies?" asks granny. "Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."
The Old Miser:
There
was an old man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise
him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of
the money into the casket with him. Well, he eventually died. He was
stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box
with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen,
I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I
promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with
him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?
I surely
did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it,
he can spend it."
Be Careful What You Wish For:
A married couple in
their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a
quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy
appeared on their table saying, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will
grant you each a wish.' Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof two tickets
for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a
moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this
will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply
disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand
and - poof the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story...
be careful what you wish for.
The Flasher:
Three little old ladies named Gertrude,
Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation
when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to
the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But
Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that
far.
SOME GRANDKID HUMOR -
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said
another, "he's just for good luck." A third child
brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would
point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it
was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed
for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside
to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a
few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your
underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four to six."
The Waiting Room
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's
office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse
than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a
room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I
love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a
crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said,
"Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor
today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The
receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me
what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "Now
you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man
replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled
smugly and asked, Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he
stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss
out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Alzheimer's or AIDS?
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one Mr. Ward tested
positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was positive for AIDS. We
can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the
test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't
pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed
to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
Senior Problem -
Three old men were talking
about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands
shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second
old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I
trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man
laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I
took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
The Sex Therapist -
A couple, both 67, went to a sex
therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man
said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked
puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to
disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined
them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This
happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor
which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor,
and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the
doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old
man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and
we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32
and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
No Refills -
A distraught senior citizen phoned
her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious
is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
The Living Will -
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in
the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the
plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's Such A Bitch.....
You're Putting Me On -
An elderly gentleman went to a ranch
and asked for the rates. "Well," began the ranch director, "For people
your age we charge an extra $50 a day." "50 dollars a day!" yelped the
old timer, "You must be putting me on!" "No," said the director, "that
would be an additional 20 dollars."
Texas Three Kick Rule -
A big-city California lawyer went
duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer
climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and
it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old
farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like
this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the
Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of
his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot!
now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you
can have the duck.
Bad Day -
A guy was watching over his kid for
nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and
goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is
really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and
goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father is like this
is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye
daddy." The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day
he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at
work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and
collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?
I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the
mailman dead on the doorstep!
Don't try this at home -
This is a story about an elderly couple who had been happily
married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would
wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp
for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that
it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and
he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was
preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to
her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband awoke with his
usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her
eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife." Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in."
Too old to squat!
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care
of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One
morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he
noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided
to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach,
completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for
his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a
cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the
sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her
friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked
her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious
about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for
it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn
things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"
Good Old Days
A nurse
at the beginning of her shift examines an elderly and slightly deaf
lady. She places her stetoscope on the patient's chest wall and
instructs "Big breaths" The old lady remorses,"Yes, they used to
be!"
Quick! Get me a woman!
A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a
screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as
the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up
and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!" The grandson moaned:
"Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the
morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're
82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not
yours."
Pledge of Allegiance
Before she died, an elderly woman from the United States wanted to
visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal
Office and asked for a passport. "You must first take the loyalty
oath," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The
senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear
to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies,
domestic or foreign?" The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled
as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but . . . will I have help, or
will I have to do it all by myself?"
Will you marry me?
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a
number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the
big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one
another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and
finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After
about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I
will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went
to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say
yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just
could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to
the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt
remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When
I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He
was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Really
Bad News
"Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked grandpa Sam when his doctor called with his
test results. "I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the
doctor. "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my
God," gasped Sam as he dropped to his knees. "What could be worse news
than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."
39 and Holding
Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and
holding." Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "How old would you
be if you let go?"
The Eulogy An old man had died. A wonderful
funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the
good traits of the deceased. The preacher went on about “what an honest
man” he was, and “what a loving husband and kind father” he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go
up there and take a look in the coffin. See if that's your pa in there.”
How is old Mrs. Kirkland doing? Worried because they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs.
Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked
Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's pissed
at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's
none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
The Elderly Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the
driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed,
lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,
and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything
went quiet in the cab, then the elderly driver turned and said,
"Look son, don't ever do that again. You scared the living crap out
of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a
little tap would scare you so much."The driver replied, "Sorry, it's
not really your fault. I just retired and today is my first day as a
cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 45 years."
Prostate Problem A man walks
into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While
he is waiting his turn to be seen, an acquaintance walks in and
sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd
doing here Fred?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the
doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man
replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. " A
pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know.
I pee like you talk."
What a Relief...
Overheard in
a busy clinic as a receptionist spoke to an obviously
hard-of-hearing patient:" No Mrs Smith, not the HEARSE, I'm
sending the NURSE!"
A Good Exercise For The Elderly:
You know how
important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few
suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and,
with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms
straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 20
pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 50
pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for
more than a full minute! Next, I started putting a few potatoes
in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this
level.
How's The Patient in Room 302? A sweet grandmother
telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's
the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak
tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302." The Operator
replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that
Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her
blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The
Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator
replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one
tells me shit!"
The Elderly Tailor:
The
doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles
to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of
a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice
but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him
briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and
said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was
surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought
for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's
see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a
size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his
head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
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