“The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.”

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."

Warning! - NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after."

The only two things we do with greater frequency when we get older
is urinate and attend funerals.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"

 

"You know you're getting old when...
an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

"My mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."

"Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..."

"You know you're getting old when
all the names in your black book have M.D. after them."

Did you read the latest book by Dr. Jerry Atriks?
"He who laughs, lasts."

"You know you're getting old when
"Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today.

 

"You know you're getting old when
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.

You know you're getting old when
the candles cost more than the cake."

Whenever I feel blue. I just start breathing again!

Forget health foods. I need all the preservatives I can get!

Retired. Now I can do what I want. As long as it's near a bathroom.

You know your getting old when...  Your back goes out more than you!

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

The Golden years are here at last. I cannot see, I cannot pee. I cannot chew, I cannot screw. My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks. No sense of smell, I look like hell. The Golden years have come at last. The Golden years can kiss my ass.

Be nice to your kids. They will pick your nursing home.

Too old to care... Too senile to remember.

On your mark, get set, go away!

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Old age comes at a bad time.

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy.
It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

 

Why do they give you a watch when you retire
when it's the first time in your life you don't care what time it is?

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."

Employment applications always ask who to notify in case
of an emergency. I think you should write 'A Good Doctor' or '911'

There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

Here are some good things that
happen as you grow older
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either!!
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now don't have time to wear out.
And, one of the best advantages of being old.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first!!

"In dog years. I'm dead!"

"Eat right, exercise - die anyway."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"Being "Over the hill" is much better than being under it!"

"I'm in the initial stage of my golden years:
SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. . ."

"I'm smiling all the time.
Because I can't hear a word you are saying."